


Lost Myself For A Minute

by swv



Series: And You Thought That I’d Leave You [3]
Category: Blink-182
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety Attacks, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-04 01:18:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12158655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swv/pseuds/swv
Summary: Another bump in the road for Matt and Tom as their relationship develops.





	Lost Myself For A Minute

**Author's Note:**

> A little something for L.
> 
> I don’t own anyone and don’t make money from my writing.
> 
> Thanks to my beta, F, who took time from her busy schedule to help me with this one when my regular beta was otherwise occupied. ♡

When Tom opened the door to his apartment Matt was already shivering from the cold spring winds blowing straight through his jacket. The phone pressed to Tom’s ear and the frown adorning his face had Matt’s heart sinking a bit; Tom was undeniably working again.

 

“Travis won't be pleased if you don't pay up. And then you'll become Mark's problem, you know that right?” Tom said to the person on the other line as he smiled at Matt and let him into the apartment.

 

Matt followed him and curled up in the sofa as he waited for Tom to finish his phone call. The more he had gotten to know Tom, the more he had gotten to know about Tom’s work and it would be a lie to say it didn’t disturb him. It brought back the memories of how they met and Matt had started getting more and more uneasy at the memories. He had made a conscious decision of letting go of the trauma after their first date; if their relationship was to work he couldn't hold that against Tom. 

 

But still, Matt had begun thinking about Tom’s work, about what kind of life Tom would have if he continued to work for Travis and how long one could expect someone in Tom's business to live. He had started to dream about a future with Tom, even if he hadn't said anything about it to anyone yet, and he was getting scared of losing his boyfriend. Because that was what they were, right? They hadn't talked about it but Tom surely acted like a boyfriend.

 

Matt took a deep breath and leaned back in the sofa, reaching for his messenger bag and fishing out a book that he couldn't focus on. His thoughts kept spinning as his eyes drew back to Tom over and over, watching him pace through the open bedroom door. Their eyes met and Tom said something into the phone and then covered the microphone for a second.

 

“I'll be done in a minute babe, I promise.” And the smile he gave Matt was so sweet that Matt forgot his worries for a second, but as Tom turned back to the phone call the thoughts returned. He didn't think it impossible that every time he saw Tom could be the last.

 

But there was something else nagging him too; Tom had mentioned Mark in his presence for the first time since they had started dating and Matt felt his throat constrict at the memory of the pain and terror of the night  _ he  _ had met Mark. The uneasy feeling he felt at the mere mention of his tormentor had him shiver and his stomach turning. And to be reminded of Tom  _ knowing _ and  _ hanging out  _ with Mark was stirring emotions in Matt that he thought he had left behind him. 

 

He looked down at the book in his lap, lost in thought when he felt the sofa dip beside him. He felt Tom pull him close and rested his head on top of his own.

 

“Everything alright?” Tom asked and Matt couldn't keep back a sigh, nodding. Tom was quiet for a while longer. “You sure? You look... sad?”

 

Matt shook his head and pulled back from Tom, looking up in his eyes and giving him his best reassuring smile. “Yeah, just got a headache.”

 

Tom didn't look completely convinced but, to Matt's relief, he didn't press the matter. Instead Tom laid back on the sofa, opening his arms for Matt. “Come, let me cuddle you.”

 

Matt smiled and curled up with his head on Tom's chest. He was wishing to forget all of his worries for just a moment and breath in Tom’s scent and feel his strong arms around him.

 

Matt had almost fallen asleep to the sound of Tom's even breathing when a key turning in the lock woke him. Sitting up he looked as the front door opened and a shiver ran through him as  _ Mark _ stepped inside. Mark stopped and gave him a confused look.

 

“For fucks sake Tom!”

 

Matt froze at the voice he would never forget and felt Tom stir and sit up, looking over at Mark for a second before his eyes went wide.

 

“What are you doing here?” Tom asked and got up from under Matt, walking over and giving him a handshake-turned-hug.

 

Matt watched the interaction between Tom and Mark with a growing lump in his throat, feeling his breathing turn coarse and his head starting to spin. He could almost  _ feel _ Mark's fist connect with his jaw and the tape restrict his arms and legs; the panic started taking hold of his chest.

 

“What the fuck do you think you're doing, Tom?”

 

Matt had to get up and leave the room, rushing for the kitchen and leaning against the counter. Mark’s presence had him hyperventilating and tears started to prickle his vision. He heard Mark shout something, the ringing in his ears muffling out the words, and Tom mumble a soft answer. Dizzily he slid against the cupboard and down to the floor, focusing on breathing.

 

The thought of maybe running into Mark or Travis hadn’t passed Matt’s mind as a real possibility and he was cursing at himself for it. How could he be that stupid? And how could he not have anticipated his own reaction to the inevitable meeting?

 

With the last of his strength he got up, only his strong impulse of running away drove him as he left the kitchen. He was careful of not looking at Mark as he made his way over to the sofa to gather his things and, looking down at the floor, scurrying past the two others and out the door. Maybe Tom was asking him something, he couldn’t be sure, and then Matt was running down the stairs and out on the street.

 

The spring air cleared his mind a bit, feeling some of his courage returning and his legs getting a bit more stable for every step he took away from the building. He heard a heavy door close behind him but didn’t dare turn around, instead speeding up his own steps as he hurried down the street. A hand around his arm had him turning with his fist raised - where did that come from? - and tears he thought he had fought back started welling up in his eyes again. He tried his best to suppress them once more, not wanting to make more of a scene in the street.

 

“Matt?” It was Tom and he was stepping back, out of Matt’s range. Voice soft, eyes sad and his whole body language screamed  _ worried _ . “Babe, I’m sorry, I didn’t know he was coming by.”

 

Matt backed from Tom, body tensing further as he turned away to steady himself. “I just can’t, Tom, it’s too much. It hurts.”

 

Tom didn’t say anything, didn’t touch him and Matt felt his heart clench in his chest again; an overpowering sadness and tiredness washing over him. He just wanted it to be over, no matter how much he liked Tom he couldn’t handle these feelings.

 

“I need time to myself.”

 

His words must have stirred something in Tom because suddenly he was alive again, holding on to Matt and stroking his hair, holding him close. “Please don’t, Matt. I can’t lose you now, I need you.” Words mumbled against his cheek as Tom held him a bit too tight. The panic flared up again in Tom’s restricting hold.

 

He tried to break out of Tom’s arms, thrashing to get loose. “Tom, please let me go, you’re scaring me, please.” Tom just held him tighter and Matt could feel his vision starting to prickle, his body losing strength and going lax as quickly as he had started panicking. “Tom, please.”

 

Matt didn’t know what he was asking for anymore, he just couldn’t bear the feelings raging in his chest and Tom was there, holding him. The tight hug was grounding him, Tom’s scent had him breathing deeper and the warmth of Tom’s body against his own compelled his body to stop trembling.

 

After another moment - a few seconds or minutes? Matt didn’t know - Tom let go of him and took a step back. “Mark’s up in the apartment, but let me take you home and I’ll come to you tonight? We can talk then, okay?” Tom’s hands was still on his upper arms, steadying him, and Matt didn’t want the connection to break.

 

“Tom.” Matt couldn’t be bothered to blush over how needy he sounded, the thought of the warm contact between their bodies dominating his thoughts as he pressed closer, burying his face against Tom’s shoulder. Tom was holding him again, loosely this time, and Matt felt his heart slowing down as he matched his breathing to Tom’s steady heartbeats.

 

Tom smiled tenderly at him. “Fine, come on, I’ll tell him to leave.”

 

He did, and even made sure that Matt didn’t have to meet Mark as he left the apartment. When they were alone again and Matt was on the sofa in Tom’s arms he felt his eyelids starting to drop. Tom was holding him silently, slowly drawing soothing patterns over his back.

 

“Matt, should we… talk about what happened?” Tom asked softly some time later.

 

Matt couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes, just falling heavier against Tom’s chest. “I… guess I got a panic attack. Seeing Mark brought back a lot of memories that I thought I was done with.” He heard himself draw a shaky breath, not realizing that just talking about it brought back the feelings from earlier that day.

 

Tom was silent, just holding him steadily as Matt fought against the raging mix of feelings inside him and tried to fight back another anxiety attack. Tom’s soft movements against him did a lot to help him breathe again.

 

“Do you wanna talk about it, or something?” The hesitancy in Tom’s voice had Matt’s heart melting and he turned up to Tom, smiling at him before kissing him softly.

 

“I just…” Matt laid down again, letting himself melt into Tom’s touch. “I can’t meet Mark again, not now, maybe never. Is that okay?” He tensed up, suddenly worried of losing Tom. “I don’t want to keep you from your friends, I just… It hurts, Tom.”

 

Tom’s fingers in his hair was soft, the low chuckle that rumbled deep in Tom’s chest reverberating through Matt and soothing him a bit. “I’d rather keep you to myself anyway.” Matt sighed, relieved, and a comfortable silence settled between them.

 

Matt sat up, looking down on Tom and gnawed his lower lip nervously; maybe now would be the time. “Tom, I’m scared.” Tom looked like he didn’t understand as he sat up and looked back at Matt. “I’m scared of you getting hurt when you work with Travis and Mark.”

 

Tom opened his mouth to protest and Matt kissed him, more to shut him up than anything else. Tom’s fingers curling possessively in his hair had Matt lose himself in the kiss and it wasn’t until he started feeling breathless he broke away.

 

Foreheads leaning against each other. “Can’t you do something else?”

 

Tom’s soothing laugh. “What do you want me to do instead, pretty?”

 

The possibilities spinning in Matt’s head, but there was something he had been thinking of for a while. “Maybe you could start studying? With me?” His heart almost stopped as he waited for Tom’s answer.

 

“That’s… actually an intriguing idea.”

 

Matt pulled back, looking into Tom’s eyes. “Really? You’d do that?”

 

“Yeah, for you I would.” Tom laughed. His fingers grazed against the side of Matt’s face and caused the younger man’s cheeks to flush and heart to swell. “I might not be able to quit completely, but I could take a break or work a bit less.” Matt couldn’t keep back a smile, even if it wasn’t exactly what he had in mind it was a start. “But you’ll have to help me choose a subject and, you know,  _ study. _ Haven’t done that in years.”

 

Matt just nodded as he leaned in to kiss Tom, a bit more feverishly this time. A feeling resembling love stirring in his heart, but he decided to not think about that for now.


End file.
